职场 心态

自SP开始，心情随职场变幻起起伏伏，不太清楚自己追求什么，什么又适合自己。

其实挺怀念以前的心态，只想好好写程序，没有想太多，可现在总感到没耐心，是因为别人给的希望，还是因为贪心？或者野心？

其实不是很喜欢这样的自己，不喜欢斤斤计较，不想患得患失。

晨词懒调

这些天翻看了自己写过的日记，一些在白纸上，一些在网络上。看自己走过的路，很多事很多心情很模糊，想不起来，过去种种，有点惊讶，但还是可以看到一些自己过去的影子，有些梦想变成现实，有些随时间过期。

自2010年开始就没有写过些什么，对文字无比陌生，希望自己还能表达，能纪录，在这个空间。

三十而立

Coen都已经7个月大了，总算想到上来“登记”一下。

记得大学时寝室夜话，没想到自己结婚生子的计划竟按时完成。一个月前顺顺利利换了工作，现在和S也算是挤进了5％。

前两年总觉得自己徘徊于23上下，现在做了妈妈，一下子跳到30，感觉自己差不多就这个年纪，呵呵～

Gerbera Daisy

看到一个朋友微博上新发的贴，与我并无关联，但不知为何，也许是因为太久没有更新自己的博，突然很想写些什么。

听到周杰伦的＜说好的幸福呢＞。好久好久没有听让人伤心的歌，想想现在的生活，发不出感慨。这两年，一直很忙碌，也没有记下什么心情，从恋爱到定婚，还有两个月就要嫁人了，发了请帖，开始陆续收到一些礼物。

昨天收到S的花，橘红色的gerbera daisies，心里暖暖的。



在纽约享受时尚，美味和难得的云淡风清。

Belated Thanksgiving

很久很久没有更新我的博，对文字有了生疏感，翻看３年前的一些心情，心里是很感动的。

这些年我过得很充实，很开心。2004年的夏天年来美国，2006年5月毕业，7月到新泽西，2007年8月到纽约。5多年的时间，发生太多太多的事，我离开上海时的心情，想要抛在身后的，现在我终于可以说我完全释然了。

感恩于这一份心情。在KC攻MS的两年，我调整好了自己，安静而简单的生活，让我更多体会孤独和沉默的力量，心里感觉很安定。

感恩于这一段旅程。工作的转换，只是稀里糊涂地搬来搬去，却一路把我带到纽约，旅行的本身虽然是不安定，却享受着一路的新鲜和随遇而安的心情。

感恩于这一份感情。在这个陌生的城市我开始有了一些归属感。喜欢被宠爱，喜欢可以用心经营一份感情。

Devotion 27

Apparently I haven’t written any devotion for the past 2 months! Time flies…

I’ve been overwhelmed by changes and busy-ness of life. Some highlights include “moved to a new apartment”, “landed on a new team”, and “officially on staff for Hosanna 2009-2010”.

While I’m busy embracing all the new things in my life, my time with God is few, my dependence on Him is less. We often find ourselves thinking, “When life settles down a bit, I'll…” But we should have learned by now that life never settles down. Whatever we want to accomplish, we must do with a life unsettled. In the same way, if we're ever going to discipline ourselves for the purpose of godliness, we've got to do it when life is like it is now.

I took a lunch break at 1:30pm just to walk around and have some time to myself. I had to admit to God that I felt inadequate and that I need more strength and wisdom. It was during that time I realized again that I cannot do anything without Him.

This is a bittersweet humbling experience. Once again, I’m reminded:

I can do everything through him who gives me strength. – Philippians 4:13

六月

6月了，日子过得真快。

回顾这一年，热热闹闹，忙忙碌碌，发生很多事。

带BS已经快一年了，感受最多的，其一，是"The Move of the Holy Spirit"，有些人生旅行，无法言传，这种只有在信仰中才能找到的'安'的感觉，让我生活得简单快乐；其二，是相信主为你所作的安排，一再体会，放开手，得到的其实更多。

身边多了一个人，S对我很好。能够相信一个人对你一心一意，全心全意，是一件很幸福的事。只是在感情世界里我是一个悲观主义者，我的信心，放到感情里，就打了折扣。

生活还是乱糟糟，日程排的满满，有点透不过气。马上要搬家了，再过２周我将被换到一个新的组，工作上会有更多的挑战。试图找一个平衡点，好让自己从容应对。

绿卡办得很不顺利，但在当下能做自己喜欢的事，已经是一种幸运了吧。

感恩于上帝的眷顾，我需要的是更多的信心。

Devotion 26

1If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.

8Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9For we know in part and we prophesy in part, 10but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

13And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. – 1 Corinthians 13

I want to post the whole chapter here, simply because it is so rich and speaks so much. I feel like standing in front of a mirror looking at the “poor reflection”. When I say I love God or someone, is it this kind of love?

Too many times I still talk like a child, think like a child, and reason like a child… But love matures me day by day.

Praise God for His provision.

Devotion 25

Habakkuk questioned God in his desperation (Habakkuk 1:2-4). He couldn’t understand why God didn’t answer his prayer, why God tolerated wrong and let the wicked rule all over.

We ask similar questions when we see unrighteousness and/or experience injustice. During these times, are you seeing yourself as the problem of the world or the solution, especially when you feel our God is absent?

How would you feel if God tells you that He’s going to bring justice through your enemy, like how he told Habakkuk that He was going to raise Babylonians and let them ‘sweep past like the wind’?

We want things to be better but sometimes we are still in fear of God's justice, and the very reason why we might frown against it is because we know we are all guilty.

Our God is not slow or absent, He’s just being patient and compassionate with us. Thousands of years ago, He had held the Babylonians back for such a long time, waiting for people to repent, before He brought the punishment to the Israelite.

Besides, God doesn’t just take a look at our condition and get sick of it, He gets into it by sending His beloved son Jesus to the world and allow Him suffer even more, for us.

The whole Bible is following the line of “Perfection – Justice – Patience of God – Final Judgment – Restored Perfection”.

There are a large number of people He still wants to save. Just because we are fed up with the world sometimes, it doesn't mean that He should stop. I bet many people requested the same thing before us, and if God had ever listened to any of them there wouldn't be salvation for us. Therefore, we should be more like Him and help people to the end so that we can all enter God’s kingdom together.

I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us. The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.

We know that the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. Not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies. For in this hope we were saved. But hope that is seen is no hope at all. Who hopes for what he already has? But if we hope for what we do not yet have, we wait for it patiently. – Romans 8:18-25

Devotion 24

“Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven.” - Matthew 10:32

Being ashamed of Christ is a matter of salvation. At His return He wouldn’t acknowledge those who were ashamed to have any association with Him. However, every one of us must have had occasions in our lives when we felt ashamed to speak of Christ or to be linked with Christ. Perhaps we were afraid we didn't have inadequate words to say; perhaps we were afraid we would be rejected; perhaps we were afraid that we had lived in such a way that if we were to speak of Christ people would say, "Wait a minute, that's not consistent with what I know about you."

If we're going to be effective in serving the Lord, we have to get pass that shame or embarrassment or fear. Only when there is boldness and courage and conviction and commitment to proclaim Christ will you become a useful servant of God.

2Timothy 1:6-18 talks about how to live a life not being ashamed of Christ, which talks a lot to me personally through the BS preparation. Here are the eight things I learned.

1. RENEW YOUR GIFT (v.6)

The gift of God, you don't earn it, you can't gain it. When you receive the Holy Spirit at salvation, when you are baptized with the Spirit and placed into the body of Christ, it is at that time that the Spirit gives you the gift. When you use your gift you are more enabled by the power of God to do what He calls you to do than anything else you do. And that's where your boldness starts.

2. CONSIDER YOUR RESOURCES (v.7)

God did not give you a gift and then give you timidity to negate the gift, but rather He gave you power, love and discipline to operate that gift. It's a divine endowment, not the result of heritage or environment but a gift of God. Any weakness on your part is just not cashing your check because the resources are in your spiritual bank.

3. ACCEPT YOUR SUFFERING (v.8-10)

We live in a world that is against God. If you've decided that you're going to live a life that is completely comfortable and you're going to do everything you can to evade that hostility, you're not going to be able to do it and when it comes it's going to cause you to be collapsed.

4. REMEMBER YOUR GOD (v.8-10)

Our God saved us from sin (salvation) to holiness (holy calling). There's no work you do in salvation; there's no work you do to deserve salvation. It is a work of God, by grace through faith that is not of yours but the gift of God. We have no reason to preserve ourselves for the God who saved us without our help is also able to hold us without our help.

5. REALIZE YOUR DUTY (v.11-12)

Paul was chosen as a vessel by God to serve in preaching the gospel. He had a great sense of duty and remained faithful even when persecution came. I kept thinking about the thought I shared in last devotion. Once we get into the very element of holiness we begin to function as a way of life, then no single duty is a burden at all, it is a joy unspeakable.

6. TRUST YOUR SAVIOR (v.11-12)

Paul’s faith is fully settled in the One he has personally experienced. It's not in what he has believed; it's in Whom he has believed. He is saying: "I know the Lord is able to hold on to my life until that day when I’m going to receive my eternal reward. That’s the confidence and trust we need, our security is the Lord Himself."

7. AFFIRM YOUR DOCTRINE (v.13-14)

This reminds me of the sermon talking about “Dim Sum Church”. We live in a time when the church is somewhat atheological. Are we in the name of love accepting any theology that allows for anything?

The reason most people don't have the courage of their convictions is because they don't have convictions. Before you can put your life on the line in which you believe, you have to believe it. We need to hold our theology with faith and love.

8. CHOOSE YOUR ASSOCIATES (v.15-18)

Choose your associates wisely. Be with the loyal, courageous, faithful, bold, those who renew their spiritual gift in usefulness, those who understand their spiritual resources for any situation, those who accept and anticipate the possibility and reality of suffering, those who remember the power of their God and His great grace, those who recognize their duty, those who totally trust their life into the hands of their Savior and are secure, those who live to defend the truth.

I desire to do your will, O my God;
your law is within my heart.

I proclaim righteousness in the great assembly;
I do not seal my lips,
as you know, O LORD.

I do not hide your righteousness in my heart;
I speak of your faithfulness and salvation.
I do not conceal your love and your truth
from the great assembly.
– Psalm 40:8-10

Devotion 23

I finally finished reading the sermons talking about 2 Timothy Chapter 1, so good...

What got stuck in my mind right now is this beautiful thought:

A man shall carry a bucket of water on his head and be very tired with the burden. But that same man when he dives into the sea shall have a thousand buckets on his head without perceiving their weight because he is in the element entirely surrounds him.

The duties of holiness are very irksome to men who are not in the element of holiness, but once those men are cast into the element of grace then they bear ten times more and feel no weight but are refreshed thereby with joy unspeakable.

I cannot agree more, duty can be the greatest joy or the deepest pain, ministry is a bittersweet thing. It can be a tremendous burden if you are not in the element of holiness, but once you get in that very element you begin to function as it is a way of life, then no single duty is a burden at all, instead it is a joy.

We are chosen as vessels by God to serve Him for the advancement of the Gospel. Remember that we have been empowered by the Holy Spirit to do the job. I pray that God will keep strengthening us and giving us the grace to fulfill our duty.

Devotion 22

So, continuing with the last post, here are some principles that make for a self-disciplined believer.

1. Remember who owns you.

Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, Who is in you, Whom you have received from God? You are not your own; you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your body. – 1 Corinthians 6:19-20

We behave according to what we know and what we believe about what we know. Here goes it: we are children of a Father Who has complete authority over us; we are also slaves of a Master Who bought us at immense cost.

This actually goes against our culture because everything in this modern day society is self-centered. But until you understand that you don’t own you, and that somebody else has complete ownership over your life, you will not have the motivation to be a self-disciplined person.

2. Remember the covenant of salvation.

There was a promise on God’s part to forgive us and to pour out grace upon us. There was a promise on the sinner’s part as well, a promise of obedience.

When we come to salvation, that's an act of obedience. We made a commitment to obey the Lord and we were given the Holy Spirit to fulfill that pledge. We should often go back and remember the pledge we made at the very beginning and be a person with integrity, be a person who keeps the promise he made when he came to Christ.

3. Recognize all sin as a violation of a relationship.

Philippians 2 starts with “If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then…” All the following commands flow out of a calling to remember our relationship with Christ.

When we sin we sin against God, it is the violation of the relationship with Him, Who has been so faithful and given us the best gift - Holy Spirit, which regenerates us, makes us new, and gives us the promise of eternal life.

4. Learn to control your imagination.

When tempted, no one should say, "God is tempting me." For God cannot be tempted by evil, nor does he tempt anyone; 14but each one is tempted when, by his own evil desire, he is dragged away and enticed. - James 1:13-14

The problem is not in the environment, but in us. Imagination is the place where sin is conceived, where we play out your sin before we commit it. We need to be aware that if we are going to control sin, it has to be controlled in the imagination.

5. Focus on a noble cause outside yourself.

However, I consider my life worth nothing to me, if only I may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me – the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace. – Acts 20:24

That is the honor of the Lord Jesus Christ, the advancement of the gospel, the hope of some day hearing, “Well done, good and faithful servant. Come and share your master's happiness!”

It’s a matter of living for the great cause. It’s a matter of getting beyond ourselves. We cannot get there with a half effort, not with a three-quarter effort. We can only accomplish that with the whole effort of everything we have, and that was Paul, “For to me to live is not Paul, Christ.”

Devotion 21

I’ve been thinking about self-discipline and spiritual discipline, mainly because I don’t like being messy in general, my private world specifically.

I believe people who have great ability to concentrate, to focus and to define and stay constantly with their priorities tent to be more successful. I also believe self-discipline would make a great contribution to my effectiveness.

Here are some tips.

1) Begin with small things.
2) Make a schedule.
3) Be on time.
4) Keep your word.
5) Finish what you start.
6) Practice self-denial, aka say no to yourself.

The list can go longer and longer, but as Christians we should focus more on what make us more self-disciplined as believers.

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. – 1 Peter 1:13

A person with a disciplined mind knows how to pull in all the loose ends in his thinking. It’s being able to clear out the clutter from life’s entanglements and sort out what really matters.

The matter of self-discipline is a matter of right thinking, a matter of the battle on the inside. It’s a matter of remembering Who owns you, remembering the covenant you made when you promised to be obedient and maintaining the integrity of that promise, recognizing sin as a violation of your relationship with the Lord, learning to control your imagination, and living your life for a noble cause that’s far beyond you.

To be elaborated...

Devotion 20

Over the past few years, I feel more natural praying by myself and comfortable praying in groups. However, there are still times when I feel reluctant to get into a prayer, especially when I’m emotionally out of breath or when I feel forced to.

I read and thought more about prayer today. There can be some reasons why we still have struggles when it comes to prayer.

1. It seems to be unnatural acts. We were originally created to desire communion with God, but the effects of sin have dulled that original desire. We are taught that the only way to achieve anything is through action, but prayer seems to be a form of inaction.

2. It seems to be admission of weakness. Prayers in its most authentic form acknowledges that we are weak and dependent upon our God.

3. It seems to be unrelated to actual results. We use results in response to our arrangement. As a result, we sometimes pray as though we know better than God what is best for the outcome.

Yes, sometimes praying can be unnatural, but what we feel unnatural will become natural if we ask for the power of the Spirit to make it so. In order to acquire the habits of worship and intercession, we must make a conscious effort to overcome the part of us that thinks that praying is not a natural part of life.

Yes, praying signals weakness and dependence, but that’s the truth about us, and we will be strengthened through Jesus Christ our Savior if we submit ourselves to Him in prayer. A person shows significant spiritual growth when he finds it possible to admit that he needs a relationship with God in order to become the human being he was created to be.

And yes, the answers to our prayers do not always coincide with our expectations, but the problem is in our expectations, not in the capacities or sensitivities of God. Prayer is far more the business of aligning ourselves with God’s purposes than asking Him to align with ours.

This is the confidence we have in approaching God: that if we ask anything according to his will, he hears us. And if we know that he hears us — whatever we ask — we know that we have what we asked of him. - 1 John 5:14-15

Devotion 19 (a)

"The innermost strands are the strongest. I need no outer props to hold up my faith, for my faith holds me." - E. Stanley Jones

Noble words, these. Worth one's pause and reflection. =)

Devotion 19

It was not too cheerful a day, weather was gloomy, and things didn’t work as expected, plus some scolding from a rude guy… But I feel much better after a shower and some quiet time. Now I feel like picking up my writing again. =)

I continue on reading the book "Ordering Your Private World", which simply speaks a lot to me. Today I came across four spiritual exercises that we sometimes neglect: the pursuit of solitude and silence; regular listening to God; the experience of reflection and meditation; and prayer as worship and intercession.

As I went into the session of “Listening to God”, it talked about journaling a lot.

“As I write, I am aware that what I am writing may actually be what God wants to tell me. I dare to presume that His Spirit is often operative in the things I am choosing to think about and record. And it becomes important to search my heart to see what conclusions He may be engendering, what matters He wishes to remind me about, what themes He hopes to stamp upon my private world.”

I feel the same way, and this also encourages me to write more as the Spirit inspires.

Most of us have learned at an early stage of our faith walk to talk to God, but we might not have been listening well. God really knows each one of us, our love languages and preferred ways of communication. All we need to do is have some silence in our noisy hearts and surrender them to Him.

Devotion 18

I passed the room for Children’s Ministry yesterday when I was doing the security duty at OCM, and teacher was asking the kids: “What does the Holy Spirit do to us?” Hmm, I actually couldn’t come up with an answer to that question at that moment…

When we think of being filled with the Spirit, we may relate it to some emotional experience, a moment of spiritual high, a feeling of God’s presence…

Don't act thoughtlessly, but try to understand what the Lord wants you to do. Don't be drunk with wine, because that will ruin your life. Instead, let the Holy Spirit fill and control you. – Ephesians 5:17–18

God is saying that we should let His Spirit fill us and control our lives, like the sails being filled and guided along by the wind. This is not a one-time thing. Just as we repeatedly fill the gas tanks in our cars to keep them running, we also need to be refilled with the Holy Spirit over and over again.

Only in this way can we move from ‘Spiritual High’ to ‘Spiritual Growth’, moving beyond the Spiritual High we experience at the moment of salvation and growing in our relationship with Christ.

Remember to seek God's wisdom and the guidance from the Holy Spirit through prayers. "Always pray before planning", from today's Daily Bread. :P

But when the kindness and love of God our Savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit, Whom He poured out on us generously through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that, having been justified by His grace, we might become heirs having the hope of eternal life. - Titus 3:4-7

Devotion 17

There are different kinds of spiritual gifts, but the same Spirit is the source of them all. There are different kinds of service, but we serve the same Lord. God works in different ways, but it is the same God who does the work in all of us. – 1Corinthians 12:4-6

I am thinking about Spiritual Gifts. I believe God has created each one of us with some special gift(s), but I’m still not sure what mine is/are. =/

The Wiki for “Spiritual Gifts” leads me to 1Corinthians 12, where some gifts are mentioned, wisdom, knowledge, faith, healing, teaching, etc. Then I move on to 1Corinthians 13… v.1-3 mention gifts without love; v.4-7 talk about love apart from gifts; v.8-13 tell love remains while everything else you have changes.

There are various gifts God gives to His people to serve His people effectively. Above all, God wants us to serve one another out of a heart of genuine love. This is a manifestation of the Holy Spirit Himself!

Spiritual gifts are important, but they are not as important as LOVE. The emphasis of the gifts is service, and that stems from love. The most gifted person in the world apart from love accomplishes nothing (v.1), is nothing (v.2), and gains nothing (v.3). But love, whether gifted or not, will reach out to meet any and all the needs of the body. Love is fulfilling.

Also, God doesn’t always choose the most talented. If He calls you, He will grant you with everything you need to glorify His name.

Devotion 16

I’ve been enjoying reading lately. It is good!

It helps organizing my private world. Reading simply calms me down when I feel restless, anxious or impatient. It also helps training my mind. God wants us to love Him with all our heart – the emotional nature; with all our soul – the willing nature; with all our mind – the intellectual nature; and with all our strength – the physical nature. (Mark 12:30) Loving God 'with all our mind' is to exercise the mind, to think through. Intellectual growth is God-pleasing.

As a relatively new Christian, many times I feel being challenged with my faith walk and how my way of thinking is God-centered. I need to keep developing good filling system for my intellectual growth. Besides, it is indeed a beautiful thing to find insight and truth on every page of the books I read.

I read this today, "No vital Christianity is possible unless at least three aspects of it are developed – the inner life of devotion, the outer life of service, and the intellectual life of rationality." The third aspect is the easiest for many evangelicals to ignore, thinking it too worldly, but it is very important for us to equip our mind so that we will be ready to give Christ-oriented answers living in a challenging secular society.

Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - His good, pleasing and perfect will. - Romans 12:2

To be continued...

Devotion 15

We studied Luke 17:11-19 during the retreat. Nine out of ten were ‘doing the right thing’; only one returned to Jesus to praise and give thanks to Him.

How much time am I spending on the ‘right things’, leading Bible Studies, showing support to the fellowship, being encouraging to the sisters…? How much time, on the other hand, am I spending on organizing my inner world, quiet time, devotions, prayers…?

I hear people saying that I’m doing ‘well’ spiritually. I like hearing that. There is actually a danger here, the danger of doing well or even being successful. I always ask myself: From whom am I seeking approval, people or God? For whom am I doing the right things, myself or God?

When we are little in our own eyes, we depend on God. That’s also why many people, including myself, feel God’s presence more when we are ‘messed up’. But when we become strong we tend to forget, in some sense, that we have nothing that we haven’t received from God. We are so sinful by nature that every blessing of God upon our service may just add to the pride of our own hearts. How easy it is for us to forget that we have no power and no sufficiency in ourselves at all!

There is no reason to boast in anything we accomplish, for “Pride goes before destruction, a haughty spirit before a fall.” (Proverbs 16:18) It is these little things that we often forget. Remember to give thanks to God for everything, it is He who is developing us into the people He created us to be.

Let him who boasts boast in the Lord, for it is not the one who commends himself who is approved, but the one whom the Lord commends. – 2 Corinthians 10:17-18

Devotion 14

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the LORD, “As the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts.” – Isaiah 55:8-9

God is far more complex than we are, and we cannot understand Him fully. There is an inevitable gap there, we can only glimpse a portion of what God is doing in our lives and in the lives of others.

However, God provides a means to bridge that gap in two ways: the Word of God and the Holy Spirit.

There are four things we should pray for as we study His Word: knowledge, wisdom, understanding and discernment. All starts with the fear of the Lord (Proverbs 1:7). The beginning of knowledge is knowing who God is and who we are in our relationship with Him. God is all-powerful and all-knowing; He is complete in Himself. Wisdom is His calling out to us to connect with Him. God desires that we seek to know Him, to discern truth, to walk with understanding!

These revelations through the scriptures will eventually become our second nature as we read, reflect and apply. They will help to change us into the kind of person God wants us to become, deep inside where it counts. Only God can do this.

Devotion 13

I've been feeling a little sluggish since yesterday, and the result is, I don’t have much to say. It’s not that I feel spiritually low, just not as vibrant in thinking.

Just now I was trying to find the word ‘caterpillar’ online, and came across the life cycle of a butterfly: egg – caterpillar – pupa – butterfly =)

God’s creation!

I noticed the life cycle of a butterfly is one that starts with no activity, then activity, then no activity, and lastly full of activity.

Similarly, we are also going through seasons of our lives. In this journey, both the highs and lows play a role in the making of a mature follower of Christ.

Even when I find myself in a low-energy moment of my spiritual life, it is okay because the leadership of God is still ahead of me. God has always been the Shepherd and Provider in my life. He is present during those high moments of my spiritual walk, and those low and docile moments as well. It’s all part of the process.

The LORD is my Shepherd, I shall not be in want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures, He leads me beside quiet waters, He restores my soul. He guides me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies. You anoint my head with oil; my cup overflows.

Surely goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life, and I will dwell in the house of the LORD forever. - Psalm 23

God does not just lead the way, He also lets His goodness and mercy follow us all the way.

Devotion 12

One message I missed in the Bible is Luke 22:41-42:

He withdrew about a stone's throw beyond them, knelt down and prayed, "Father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done."

This happened right before Jesus got arrested.

Had Jesus considered and asked the possibility to live, to stay? If so, I'm sure it was not for the purpose of being spared from agony, but out of love for His people. In the end, He submitted Himself to God's will.

Who can ever love like Jesus did? When we do things in the name of love, do we really consult our Heavenly Father for guidance? Are we showing our obedience as Jesus did in His prayer? No matter how much Jesus loved His people and wanted to stay with them, He turned to God and asked for His will. He submitted Himself to God's will and sacrificed His life for His beloved. When the curtain of the temple was torn in two (Luke 23:35), the way was opened between sinful humanity and the presence of the holy of holies. The new order of grace is ushered in, with the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ.

This is the unconditional & sacrificial love from Christ! This is the love that should humble each one of us.

This is love: not that we loved God, but that He loved us and sent His Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. -- 1 John 4:10

Happy Easter!

Devotion 11

Today as I’m continuing with Ordering My Private World, I’m deeply impressed by how Jesus handled His seemingly overwhelming life, His every word being monitored, every action analyzed… However, Jesus never hurried, nor did He ever had to play catch-up.

Sometimes we find it easy to make promises, verbalize intentions, express convictions with seeming passion… However behind the talk we fail to follow up, we lose ourselves in visions of work to be done, which always remained to be done.

Two things the author mentioned.

1. Jesus understood His mission.
2. Jesus understood His limits.

Simple and straightforward!

Both require asking guidance and inner strength from God to compensate for one’s weaknesses.

Jesus was never to be caught short on time. When caught up in the busyness of life, I wish I could make sound decisions with my time too.

When money is limited, one budgets. When time is limited, the same principle holds. Time must be budgeted.

Jesus sought time in solitude with the heavenly Father before every important decision and action during His public ministry. He was spiritually sharpened. He was aware of where true importance lies, where the priorities are. And where your priorities are, there your time will be.

Devotion 10

Continuing with my Devotion 8 about the Driven vs. the Called…

I know I am still more of a driven person than a called one. Many times I have to hold on and cannot let go. ‘MORE’, instead of ‘LESS’, is the word I seek.

But there is a quality of joy that ought not to be confused with the modern-day version of happiness – a state of feelings dependent upon everything turning out all right.

I want to keep it short and just put one Bible verse here.

He must increase, but I must decrease. – John 3:30

Devotion 9

Abraham believed God, and it was credited to him as righteousness. – Romans 4:3

During my devotion yesterday I revisited Romans 4, then I read more about 'Justification by Faith' and came across a topic on the difference between ‘imputed righteousness’ and ‘inherent righteousness’.

Inherent Righteousness would be good things you do for God or good things God does in you, which is not the ground of your justification. God does not declare you righteous because He has transformed you into a good person or because you have done good works to earn righteousness before Him.

Instead, you are declared righteous before God on the basis of someone else's righteousness, Christ's, that God lays to your account and gives you credit for. Imputed Righteousness is something that is external to you and is given to you by someone else.

It is hard not to ask for credits for the good things we see in ourselves or we do to others. Many times I’m self-justifying, based on the progress I made in character formation, acts of forgiving or loving... Once again I should remind myself of Ephesians 2:8-9:

“For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith – and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God – not by works, so that no one can boast.”

& Philippians 3:9(b):

“... not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ – the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.”

Devotion 8

Today I learnt about two types of people, the driven and the called.

To the driven, relationships are not important; winning is. Spiritual health is not significant; physical strength is. The accumulation of knowledge and wisdom is not a matter of value; their prime targets are all external, material, and measurable.

I guess I was one of them. =(

One source of drivenness is an early experience of serious deprivation or shame. Back in college, I felt ashamed of not getting into the college I wanted to go and developed an insatiable appetite for acceptance and approval of others, even those who didn’t even know me. Rarely, however, was satisfaction reached. I still felt unconfident and insecure; my private world was still left empty and wanting, and that was where the real ache lies.

I thank God for filling up my empty world over the past 4 years. The relationships with Him and other people are just so much better. I'm also assured that the absolute confidence I can find in myself is within my relationship with God. As is said in 2 Corinthians 3:1-6:

"Are we beginning to commend ourselves again? Or do we need, like some people, letters of recommendation to you or from you? You yourselves are our letter, written on our hearts, known and read by everybody. You show that you are a letter from Christ, the result of our ministry, written not with ink but with the Spirit of the living God, not on tablets of stone but on tablets of human hearts.

Such confidence as this is ours through Christ before God. Not that we are competent in ourselves to claim anything for ourselves, but our competence comes from God. He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life."

Only through faith in Him will we have lasting confidence in ourselves and whatever He calls us to do.

I’m praying that, with time, I can convert from a driven person to a called one.

To be continued… :P

出塞曲

席幕容 著

请为我唱一首出塞曲
用那遗忘了的古老言语
请用美丽的颤音轻轻呼唤
我心中的大好河山

那只有长城外才有的清香
谁说出塞歌的调子太悲凉
如果你不爱听
那是因为歌中没有你的渴望

而我们总是要一唱再唱
想着草原千里闪着金光
想着风沙呼啸过大漠
想着黄河岸啊阴山旁
英雄骑马壮
骑马荣归故乡

有很多感情，过去不明白，现在才体会。

Devotion 7

In today’s Daily Bread there’s a quote from Bill Bright, author of The Journey Home:

“May we live here like strangers and make the world not a house, but an inn, in which we sup and lodge, expecting to be on our journey tomorrow.”

He also commented:

“Knowing that heaven is our real home makes it easier to pass through the tough times here on earth. I have taken comfort often in the knowledge that the perils of a journey on earth will be nothing compared to the glories of heaven.”

It always bothers me when I hear someone say something like this. =(

Is it because I’m prideful and not humble? I really hope we, YES including myself, can change our negative or pessimistic perspectives of our living on the earth.

It’s good not to cling onto the world; however, do we have to feel suffering and/or sacrificing to justify our true identity? True, the image of Heaven is comforting; it gives us the hope, and the joy to be anticipated. But isn’t the hope supposed to be put in everything we do? Aren’t we supposed to rejoice with who we are and what we are doing right now, if we do take delight in the Lord?

Anyways, I just want to say:

“This is the day the LORD has made; let us rejoice and be glad in it.” – Psalm 118:24

Devotion 6

Today I read an article talking about the 4 dimensions of God’s GLORY.

1. God’s very existence is glorious.
2. God's actions in creation are glorious.
3. God gives us the ability to perceive His glory and worship Him.
4. God gives us the ability to share with others of His glory.

I consider it a leap of faith when we can stretch from the third dimension to the fourth one.

If we really love God and really love His people, we will want to build 'bridges of grace' to let others know Him, we will want to bring others to praise and worship Him.

So I think there should be a combination of 'passion for God' and 'compassion for people'.

If it is a passion with no compassion, we are worshiping God for ourselves. However, in this 4th dimension of praise, we are to be freeing people from their bondages so that they can experience the power of our Lord living within them.

If it is compassion with no passion, it is limited and not sustainable. One quote from John Piper writes:

"The great sin of the world is not that the human race has failed to work for God so as to increase His glory, but that we have failed to delight in God so as to reflect His glory."

Compassion fades, but passion for God burns within us.

May God sustain us with lasting passion for Him and compassion for others.

Ordering My Private World

最近在看一本书，＜Ordering Your Private World＞，它在一定程度上描绘了我现在的状态：一直很忙碌，很盲目。

我是一个很享受生活的人，77％的时间我做自己喜欢做的事，或者说，我喜欢做自己做的事。

另外的23％，感觉力不从心，自我认识和肯定显得不具说服力，我需要来自外在的肯定，再肯定...

由内而外的自信，我相信是可以从个人信仰中得到的，这也是我需要'Order My Private World'的原因，也就有了这31-Day Devotion。=)

Devotion 5

I'm meditating on the following message. It is so good, richer than anything I can say, so I will just save a few words and take a break today. :P

I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge – that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. – Ephesians 3:16-21

Devotion 4

I always love Philippians 4:10-13,

“I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want. I can do everything through him who gives me strength.”

Contentment is such an ideal-sounding word. It conjures pictures of peacefulness and calm serenity.

Am I content? YES and NO. I have definitely been there, but only from time to time.

I don’t struggle much with material possessions. My challenge is to accept the fact that my life may not work out the way I thought it should. I grew up with the belief that if I study/work hard and stay out of trouble, I will get ahead in life. Unfortunately it has not always been my experience in real life now.

Yes, I do struggle with challenging situations that haven't improved despite my best efforts. Although I pray for resolutions for difficult conflicts, the reality is, these prayers are not always answered as I hope. Discouragement is there to steal my contentment and peace of mind.

But GODLINESS with CONTENTMENT is great gain. – 1Timothy 6:6

I’m still learning… I think more about how GODLINESS should go with CONTENTMENT to build up the endurance to run the cause. And I’m still learning…

Contentment is within my grasp!

Devotion 3

I came across Romans 7:18-20 as I was preparing for Bible Study, it tells that even if we have the desire to do what is good, we cannot carry it out because of the sins living in us.

There’s always a paradox of our humanness, we are both noble and ignoble, both rational and irrational, both moral and immoral, both creative and destructive, both loving and selfish, both Godlike and bestial… 'WE' are the battleground for the fight between good and evil.

Many times I do struggle to show goodness to the undeserving; it’s hard to be kind to the unkind and generous to the ungrateful. Even if I do, I get discouraged and drained easily, because my heart is not willing, it’s grumbling with discontentment.

We need less of ourselves and more of God. We are called to both self-affirmation and self-denial. Everything in us that is attributable to our creation in the image of God we should gratefully affirm, while everything in us that is attributable to the evil we must resolutely deny.

I realize that all three devotions I’ve written so far are more or less related to Spiritual warfare with our inner being. Indeed, the heart of human problem is the problem of human heart. With less of ourselves there is more of God. I thank the Lord for keep humbling me and encouraging me to fight the good fight.

Give thanks to the Lord for He is good, His love endures forever. – Psalm 107:1

Devotion 2

One of the speakers of the OCMA Leadership training shared how God stripped off him everything he thought of as his identity and showed him His PACE, PURPOSE and PLAN.

It’s a constant struggle for us to follow God’s PACE without knowing His PURPOSE and PLAN, but He wants to strip off everything else we think of as our identities, so that in the end, when it’s just Him, we'd know His grace is sufficient for you, for His power is made perfect in weakness (2 Corinthians 12:8).

This reminds me of the “seed that fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants” (Matthew 13:7). Sometimes the burden of the world is taking such a big part of our lives that it seems that God can no longer be our Provider of peace and patience. Still, He won’t answer all our prayer requests; He wants us to keep the faith for tomorrow.

At today’s sermon, I’m reassured that God is SOVEREIGN, SECURE, SENSITIVE, and SUPERNATURAL. He is always standing and walking by my side, in which my heart takes great delight.

Don’t pray for easy life.
Pray to be a stronger man.
Don’t pray for tasks equal to your powers.
Pray for powers equal your tasks.

Devotion 1

I re-read one letter from Screwtape.

God keeps reminding me how Satan works hard on the disappointment or anticlimax, which is allowed by our Heavenly Father because He wants us to live freely, no matter how much heart pains He experienced in seeing us stumbling, falling, hurting… He wants us to be able to stand up by ourselves, to walk and to run. He knows if we get through these trials, the initial dryness successfully, we will become far less likely to be tempted or attacked, mentally or emotionally, and be able to run with endurance.

God also reminded me that we still bear all types of sinful habits in Satan’s flavor, even when we have an idea of ‘Christians’ in our mind, even when we are worshipping and serving Him. I connect this with one of the symptoms of emotionally unhealthy spirituality – doing for God or for yourself instead of being with God. Some times what we share and pray, even on our knees, about our sinfulness is more like ‘parrot talk’. Other times we say and do things to please the audience, fulfill the duties, win praise, make our credit-balance look favorable… We may then fall into the pitfalls of self-centeredness, judging other people’s spiritual walk, avoiding conflicts…

We all need to invite God to intervene and work on our hearts, because He loves us and knows us better than anyone else does, including ourselves.

今天有点任性

翻了翻两年前的心情，那时跳拉丁舞，很自己。

SH和KC都是带有爵士风格的城市，纯粹，自由，激情，浪漫... 深沉，怀旧。

重读安妮宝贝

有时心里感觉无法解释的浮燥。

重读安妮宝贝，她早期作品里颓废的文字。

＜永远有多远＞，也许我们都在找一种生活，一边往前走着一边心里怅惘。

我是喜欢一个人的，那种可以不开口的自由，可是现在我总是忙碌。安妮说：＇我喜欢脆弱的容易被伤害的心灵，因为有温度。在我的文字里，所有的人都有一张寂寞的脸。寂寞和身边包围的喧嚣无关。＇

我不再感觉脆弱，有时我轻视这种感觉，觉得它很做作，也很奢侈。

每每我体会这种无法被解释的不安，我就会想到安妮和她的文字，会想象出一些相似的轨迹，总觉得生活在别处。

Oh well，我想我是快乐的。在一个热闹的城市里工作，没有想要从事别的职业，很多朋友可以联络和想念，大多数时间感觉沉静及平和。

有时心里感觉无法解释的浮燥，但我很感恩。

三月初

3月了。

有点想家。

依然忙碌，并不是忙得不可开交，只是想要一个周末好好休息，喝很多水，grocery，听听音乐，翻翻闲书，午睡，kiwi+yogurt，拨几个日久生疏的号码。

2月的时候，趁着周末到处跑。走的越远，心里越想家。出国留学，毕业工作，大小城市之间转换生活节奏，也许＇安定＇对我来讲一直是一个陌生的名词。

我不想考虑太多关于今后的事，有点懒吧。阶段性地体验着不同程度的浮燥或不安，但现在的我心里很平静，我想我可以去任何一个地方，也可以回到最初的起点。

早上在电话里告诉妈妈我很想家，她有点怀疑地问我是不是真的。有时她小心翼翼地试探我心里的归属感在哪里，有点难过，只是我自己也觉得迷惘。

不可兼得的幸福，我只能相信God会告诉我该走的路，而我会安心follow。

乐在当下

好长时间了，我都没有写些什么的灵感。

在上海的5个礼拜我真的好开心，感觉不到4年的间隙与隔阂。尽管有很多的不习惯，那种归属感却是怎样也无法被替代。

回纽约快2个月了，更新的忙碌和未知，我又回到现实中来。

Stella回国了，不知道Jenny今年８月以后是什么打算，我心里有种说不出的感觉。顺利拿到签证的时候我是快乐的，但我真的想一直留在这里么？有时我想要的也许只是多一点的选择。

午休的时候一个人出去散步，好久没有好好吃午饭了。

"Come with me by yourselves to a quiet place and get some rest." － Mark 6:31b

坐在岸边，iPod里放很random的音乐，心里确觉得安静，难得的自在。

我不想想太多了，计划总是被变化打乱，我更愿意活在当下，无论生活在哪里，我都可以做到安然自若，最主要的还是自己的attitude，想学会把握生活中的不安定，学会感恩，懂得知足长乐。