S-W-E-E-T

好困，不过觉得很开心。

Fortune Cookie

"Friends long absent are coming back to you." =)

When all the world is a hopeless jumble
And the raindrops tumble all around
Heaven opens a magic lane
When all the clouds darken up the skyway
There's a rainbow highway to be found
Leading from your window pane
To a place behind the sun
Just a step beyond the rain

Somewhere over the rainbow way up high
There's a land that I've heard of once in a lullaby
Somewhere over the rainbow skies are blue
And the dreams that you dare to dream
Really do come true

Some day I'll wish upon a star
And wake up where the clouds are far behind me
Where troubles melt like lemon drops
Away above the chimney tops
That's where you'll find me

Somewhere over the rainbow blue birds fly
Birds fly over the rainbow
Why then, oh why can't I?
If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow
Why oh why can't I?

Praying Our Fears

Psalm 3:1-8 Genesis 15:1, 8

Don't deny or vent your emotions. Instead, pray about them, present them in the presence of God, and process them there.

David: I will NOT fear.

A. Two Levels Down Into The Fear (v.1-2)

Level 1. Fear
Level 2. Anxiety - abiding feeling of hollowness, fragility, sense of self threatened

Healthy Fear: specific, constructive, to protect, being afraid of doing wrong
Unhealthy Fear: amorphous, generalized, destructive, not knowing what is exactly wrong - a threat to your identity, disables and paralyzes you to make decisions

B. Four Steps Out (v.3-8)

Follow Your Threat
"You are a shield around me." -> a shield with which you are going into the danger, it only works when you go forward, when you follow Christ, when you obey. No matter how bad things are, He's going to shield you. If God let you get hurt today, He's trying to save you from a greater hurt tomorrow. It won't help if you run away, it won't work if you are going backwards.

Over and over again, trying to do the right thing, trying to follow Christ, praying, hoping, obeying and suffering... seems like you are placing yourself into a war, but if you try to go backward, it's not there at all, God's protection is only there if you go forward.

Relocate Your Glory
"You are my glory." - David found what he can build his identity on. You should put your glory in something safe, so that you don't need to fear anything. Your anxiety is like smoke.

"You lift up my head." - If you get His approval, there's no need to fear anything anymore. Don't put your glory in something that will die.

See the Substitute
Genesis 15:1 "I am your shield, you very great reward."
Genesis 15:8 "How can I know?"

Me: How do I know God is proud of me even if I fail?
God: Even if I need to pay the price of your disobedience, I'm still going to bless you.

He values us, He loves us, we are significant to Him.

Remember the People
The opposite of fear is love, perfect love casts out fear. Fear is self-centerness, love is self-giving.

You fear? Go through it. Suck it up. God will heal you through your fears, He will heal of your fears.

Dear God, make Yourself real to me, so that You can become my glory. Amen.

Praying Our Tears

Expect the Tears

1. Expect the tears even when you are walking with God.
2. Life could be like a desert even if we don't do anything wrong.
3. “Conversion”: And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh. -- Ezekiel 36:26
4. When the Gospel changes your heart, when God comes to your heart, you heart becomes more like a heart, it’s getting softer, more vulnerable, and more touchable. You may feel the evil and the pain around you, you didn't feel it before, b/c you were using a self-defense mechanism.
5. Christians growing in Christ should expect to cry more.
6. I want to be more like Christ!
7. If you don't expect tears you'll always be crying about two things, those that make you weep and the weeping (those that grieve you and the fact that you grieved).

Invest the Tears

1. Those who sow in tears will reap with songs of joy. -- Psalm 126:5
2. Don't avoid your tears, don't just express your tears, but plant your tears, sow your tears.
3. Don't waste your sorrows, invest and plant them, they produce joy, see them as opportunities for growth.
4. What kind of joy you really need? --> The joy comes through the tears.
5. How to sow and plant your tears? Pray!
6. Come to God with the tears, both the tears and the weeper will be transformed.

Pray the Tears

1. Put your tears in prayer into three things:
a. Realization of Grace
b. Vision of the Cross
c. Assurance of Glory
2. It's safe to pour your heart out. He knows. He knows how we speak when we are desperate. He understands when the feelings are so overwhelming that we say desperate words, wrong things.
3. "It's safe to come to Me." - Realization of Grace
"Plant your tears with a vision of the cross." - Vision of the Cross
4. He keeps coming to me even I say "turn away".
5. Take your tears, and think about Him crying on the cross. "What's wrong?" --> Look at the cross! He's not punishing you. He's abandoning himself. He was rejected for you!
6. Get rid of self-pity. Weeping is fine. NO weeping for self-pity!
7. My suffering is nothing compared to what He has done for me.
8. You'll be humbled by your tears.
9. No lamentation, confession, meditation, just PRAISE. All true prayers pursued far enough will become praise. It's not getting there easily, quickly. Don't rush it, don't try to push it.
10. Grief is like fear, you're afraid that it's never getting better, but if you know that all prayers will end in praise and you'll be with Him forever, are you happy enough to be a weeper?

Father, make me happy enough to weep, help me know how to sow my tears. Amen.

狠狠一跤

昨天在家居然摔了一跤，瞬间，眼前一片空白，然后是疼痛感，磕在台阶上，手臂，后腰，右肩，好疼。

早上才知道是摔伤了，后腰全青了，磕破的地方也显出来，脖子只能向右转30度... 我还硬是去了公司，哎～明天在家上班！

姑妈上周末来纽约，陪她逛了一天，大学以来，每次和她见面我总能找到一些想要的东西，在KC的两年，我以为找到了自己的方向，想要的生活，工作2年多了，现在我却很迷惘，时常觉得没有动力，感觉力不从心。

最近状态不是很好，每天好象都在做昨天该做的事，实在很受不了自己。

这么一摔，我心里倒感觉有点释然。

快一年了，我都没有休息过，有时强迫自己快速调整，抖抖灰继续往前走。是该给自己放假了，再坚持一个月！

I'm stressed out...

Balloon - Princess

God Loves a Cheerful Giver

Each man should give what he has decided in his heart to give, not reluctantly or under compulsion, for God loves a cheerful giver. - 2 Corinthians 9:7

今天的Planning Meeting特别长，我是真的觉得很累，心情不是很好。

过去总是厌倦不真实的微笑，可是现在我却总是要自己微笑，变成一种习惯。

我喜欢向日葵，有时我希望自己能变成一片向日葵，总是迎着太阳，总是给人快乐的感觉。

哎，有点笑不出来。

Proverbs 20:5

I always like Proverbs 20:5.

The purposes of a man's heart are deep waters,
but a man of understanding draws them out.

I want to know my purpose, my direction, my way for the day…

“What do I do?” I asked the Teacher.
“Let me dive into your heart and I’ll tell you,” He answered.
“Okay,” I said, “But how?”
“Just open it up.” He instructed.
So I opened the tiny door sealing shut my deep and dark heart. Crash! The waves of deep waters found therein threw themselves against the banks of the now open door.
“But it’s so dark and deep, you’ll drown in there!” I voiced my fears.
“I can go anywhere,” said the Teacher and in a breath He was gone.
I felt the gentle slip of his plunge even in the tempest waters of my heart. Before my thoughts were compete, there He was standing in front of me again.
“Drink this.” He handed me a cup of cold water. I drank.
In an instant I knew my purpose for living, my direction for that moment and my way for that day.
“Your heart is deep and dark. If you dive in searching for answers, you’ll drown in confusion, but if you ask Me I will gladly go to the deepest depths of dark waters to draw out for you the small cup of understanding you seek. All you must do is ask and believe whatever I give is the only way!”

If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does. -- James 1:5-8

The “purposes” of our lives, those things that really and truly drive us on a daily basis, are deep seated and difficult to discern, because we often try hard to fit in that we forget to be ourselves.

But “a man of understanding” realizes that what we see on the surface is often a false front for what we want others to think we are. He is patient and kind, and works with us to draw out what we really are, nurturing it when possible, correcting it when necessary. He truly understands the inner conflict that goes on within all of us.

Times and Seasons

It is said that there is a time when you believes in Santa Claus, a time when you no longer believes in Santa Claus, a time when you are Santa Claus, and a time when you look like Santa Claus.

Interesting, isn’t it? This reminds me of Ecclesiastes 3:1-15, “a time for everything”.

God appoints the times and seasons under the sun, spring becomes summer, summer becomes fall, fall becomes winter, winter becomes spring… He also appoints different times and seasons of your life, the happy and the sad, the easy and the difficult. He exalts and humbles the same person. Sometimes you may wonder if God has it all together, as it doesn't seem to be doing that well. But God does have it all under control. He has all the timing, 20 years to grow an oak tree, a lifetime to raise up a man, complicated work.

We live in a world of change, but God doesn’t change. Everything has its purpose. You simply need to be patient for the full revelation of God's providence. He has set everything for its time, the past and the future are equally open to Him. However you will never have all the answers you need, because God designed it to be that way: “(v.11) He has also set eternity in their heart, yet so that man will not find out the work which God has done from the beginning even to the end.” What can we do then?

“Take delight in the Lord,
and he will give you the desires of your heart.
Commit your way to the Lord;
trust in him, and he will act.” - Psalm 37:4-5

围城

人与人之间，围城啊围城。觉得不自由，不再进退自如。

过了一个简单的周末，把所有的信笺都整理了，补了睡眠和维他命，一个人的时间，才更了解自己一些。

看到别人的软弱，有点难过，可是这些都是人生的必修课，我能陪伴一段路程，但无法代替别人成长。

这个世界不符合我们的梦想，但是我们又不能舍弃梦想。

把你自己的事做好， 有时已经足够。

Thanks Mom!!!

A ZA A ZA ...

每天1、2点才睡觉，扁桃体好象发炎了，喉咙有点疼…

我的脑子空空如也，两耳不闻窗外事，时间还是不够用… 今天特别想念璇儿，想念Maria，好累，看着AWKIE，感到欣慰和无奈，实在是太忙了，没有时间照顾他。

离我的悠长假期还有2个月，可我有点支持不住啦!!!

A ZA A ZA FIGHTING!!!

忙里偷闲

＂闷头享受＂之余，还是需要适当文字点缀。

每天早上路过那一簇向日葵，心情很好。

Pancake @ Joshua Tree ＋＂The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants＂，耐人回味。

Sunday = Morning Service + Lunch (& Coffee) + SG Leaders Training + WBS + Pre-Study + Moon Festival

中秋节。品茶，赏月，吃月饼，谈天说地，不亦乐乎。

Serendipity 3，真的很喜欢这家，Curry Chicken Casserole Almondine +＂Go Nuts＂ Sundae，嘿嘿。

... (续)

是该写点什么了，3个礼拜，直到星期三，我才开始有多一点时间在家休息，连续两天下班就回家，12点之前睡觉，感觉真好。

我真是被朋友们宠坏的小孩，一次又一次，被眷顾着。很久以来，我一直处于一种进退自如的状态，最近真的花了很多时间给身边的人，用心经营着这些感情。常常想起小时候的自己，现在我更懂得珍惜，不再自以为是觉得一切理所当然。

懒散了一阵子，这个sprint我的工作效率基本恢复正常，心情不错，review的时候大家都说我们组太competitive，我喜欢在适当的压力下工作生活。

最近和妈妈有些矛盾，不禁自问该如何把握生活的重心。这些年，我真的变了很多么？想要的究竟是怎么样的生活？在你们眼里我变黯淡了么？

我只是想用心认真生活。

...

这两个礼拜，我真的透支了。

都不知道从何说起，所有的事，压得我失去了表达的能力。

Dear God,

You are the Alpha and the Omega, the beginning and the end. It is safe to place my heart in your hands. In a restless and troubled world, you are a realm of peace and comfort. In a sea of doubts, you are the certainty. You are all-knowing. Strengthen me in my weakness. Guide me, be the light of my life.

Amen

Viva Forever

Do you still remember how we used to be
Feeling together believe in whatever
My love has said to me
Both of us were dreamers young love in the sun
Felt like my saviour my spirit I gave you
We'd only just begun
Hasta Manana always be mine
Viva Forever I'll be waiting
Everlasting like the sun
Live Forever for the moment
Ever searching for the world
Yes I still remember every whispered word
The touch of your skin, giving life from within
Like a love song that I've heard
Slipping through our fingers, like the sands of time
Promises made, every memory saved
Has reflections in my mind
Hasta Manana, always be mine
Viva Forever, I'll be waiting
Everlasting, like the sun
Live Forever, for the moment
Ever searching, for the world
But we're all alone, was it just a dream
Feelings untold, they will never be sold
And the secrets safe with me
Hasta Manana, always be mine
Viva Forever, I'll be waiting
Everlasting, like the sun
Live Forever, for the moment
Ever searching, for the world

End of August

整个8月，过得忙碌，生活乱糟糟。

现在我做了该做的决定，可以安心等待September。相信这是一个好的开始，我很快乐。还是要提醒自己，一个人的时候，要记得微笑。=)

九月将至...

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. - Ephesians 3:16-19

Hypocrisy

不得不承认，我也有很多言不由衷的时候。

I'm hiding here...

本来答应在FB上发表一篇的，是一个朋友希望我写下她一点的感情故事。可有时就是这样，被要求写些什么的时候，手放在键盘上却不知道说什么。

我真的不怎么喜欢写关于感情的话题，感情的事，如人饮水，冷暖自知。单身的人，凑到一块就喜欢把relationship拿出来聊，空想主义有时真挺无聊的。我也没有以前那么多愁善感，无病呻吟，感叹生活日子朋友自己时间物事人非等等。一直忙于眼前的事，不再有很多空闲的时间精力想东想西，忽略了一些人和很多事，它们便如过眼云烟般在我的生命里消散了。

一节一节的人生，茫然却如潮水退去复还，周而复始。我喜欢这个城市吗？太忙碌也太孤单，太繁华也太破败。我好像离不开它，但我的思想却一直在背离它，做好了离开的准备。

最后，我还是准备发表最初想要写下来的一些东西，躲到自己的blog上来，但也算是写了。

Here are the three "non-negotiables” she told me:

1. He will be willing to pray for the relationship.
2. He will guard my heart.
3. He will be open and honest with me.

我听了真挺感动的。

＜无题＞

很久没有好好写我的Blog了。一直觉得点滴之间，平淡之余，还是值得回味。可是最近真的很忙，有时间写些什么的时候，很多心情感受已经不在，正是人心非铁，不能回炉。

昨天有人说我的文字可以整理出书，真是受宠若惊。我这个博是很低调的（笑），只是想给自己一个空间记录心情，开心的时候我们通常闷头享受，郁闷了才要发泄心情，照这个逻辑，我这里淡淡的blue也是有迹可寻。我这个人也是很低调的（再笑），不需要太多的读者。

还想写些什么，没有头绪...

In the Valley

一直很喜欢这首歌。

整个8月，是我给自己的stretch。

When You lead me to the valley of vision
I can see You in the heights
And though my humbling wouldn’t be my decision
It’s here Your glory shines so bright
So let me learn that the cross precedes the crown
To be low is to be high
That the valley’s where You make me more like Christ

Let me find Your grace in the valley
Let me find Your life in my death
Let me find Your joy in my sorrow
Your wealth in my need
That You’re near with every breath
In the valley

In the daytime there are stars in the heavens
But they only shine at night
And the deeper that I go into darkness
The more I see their radiant light
So let me learn that my losses are my gain
To be broken is to heal
That the valley’s where Your power is revealed

Hmm...

I don't know what to say..

八月未央

"Take chances, make mistakes, get messy." 很喜欢这句话。

我也有任性，可总听到别人说我克己自制，这些事没有必要去反驳辩解。

我给自己定的期限，从５月初到现在，还有一个月的时间。其实可以预见一个月的时间转瞬即逝，但不想违背自己的许诺，夏天结束之前，要把心情整理清楚。

有不少打算，许多计划，只是整个人懒洋洋的，我是彻底姑息纵容了自己，再给我一个月的时间，会准备好的。

Talk to people rather than about them.

I read this article by John Piper; it’s convicting and encouraging as well.

Some excerpts:

“Let's not talk to others about people's faults. Let's talk to them about their faults. It is easy - and far too tasty on the tongue of our sinful souls - to talk about people. But it is hard - and often tastes bitter - to talk to them.

…

But Jesus does not call us to make safe choices. He calls us to make loving choices. In the short run, love is often more painful than self-protecting conflict-avoidance. But in the long run, our consciences condemn us for this easy path and we do little good for others. So let's be more like Jesus in this case and not talk about people, but talk to them, both with words of encouragement, because of the evidences of grace we see in their lives, and with words of caution or warning or correction or even rebuke. Paul urged us to use the full range of words for the full range of needs: "Admonish the idle, encourage the fainthearted, help the weak, be patient with them all" (1 Thessalonians 5:14).

…

Let's be forthright and honest and courageous and humble… He died for us so that all the logs and specks in our eyes may be forgiven. That should give us both courage and care in dealing with others. Especially when we realize that the faults of our brothers and sisters have also been forgiven by Jesus.

What an amazing standing place we have for relationships, a forgiven, justified, Spirit-indwelt community of people who love to grow in grace.”

I do value openness, straightforwardness or sincerity with respect. However, more often than not, easier said than done. It’s just so hard to escape the pitfall of being judging.

Still learning… to be “forthright and honest and courageous and humble”.

Who is there for you?

转眼七月已近尾声，忙碌的夏天，快乐着，失望着，憧憬着，迷茫着... 好象发生了很多事，又好象什么也没有发生，心情起伏又止于平淡。

还是会像孩子一样，觉得累了，倦了，不知所措了，身边有什么人可以投靠， 给我一点提示？

在海边看日落月升，云卷云舒，潮起潮落。有时我觉得我们每一个人都是孤独的，一步一步，遭遇亲情，友情，爱情，给了我们许多温暖，和无法放弃的希望。可有些路，我们终究是要一个人走过去的。

God with Us

Who are we --- that You would be mindful of us?
What do You see --- that's worth looking our way?
We are free --- in ways that we never should be.
Sweet release --- from the grip of these chains.

Like hinges straining from the weight,
My heart no longer can keep from singing.

All that is within me cries
For You alone be glorified:
Emmanuel, God with us.

My heart sings a brand new song.
The debt is paid, these chains are gone.
Emmanuel, God with us.

Lord, You know --- our hearts don't deserve Your glory;
Still You show --- a love we cannot afford.

Such a tiny offering
Compared to Calvary;
Nevertheless,
We lay it at Your feet.

Am I ready?

礼拜六在家呆了一整天，准备WBS，看电视，吃西瓜，睡午觉。我真的很久没有安安静静在家过周末了，感觉很放松。礼拜天午饭后也有一个人在SilkRoad坐了差不多一个小时，冰咖啡，来往路人，这种惬意，正是我现在想要的。WBS很顺利，让我一整天心情都很好。

Hosanna让我考虑带Bible Study。其实三个月前我就开始有想要尝试，但还是很吃惊。我了解自己的性格脾气，喜欢进退自如的生活，有时不合群，对大多数的人事都不怎么上心... 我应该接受么？One-year commitment？！

最近经常自省，有时看到混乱而不成熟的自己，不自觉想到大学时的很多事，亮红灯，这不是我想要的生活。

想起自己礼拜天才说过的话，"If your heart is not filled with the best things, it will be filled with the unworthy and disappointing." 我们的生活也是一样吧，我希望把自己的时间用在有意义的事情上。

Maybe God hears my prayer? Is He calling?

I'm tired...

不是第一次了，醒来的时候，有那么几分钟，我无法分辨自己身在何处，感觉很不安，躺了很久心里还是觉得难过。

我真的觉得好累，好想给自己放假。

How did everything get twisted?

最近真是忙得不可开交，新的项目遇到不少阻力，经常去bay跑步，现在我慢慢跨出自己的"comfort zone"，忙碌之中才让我看到自己理智成熟的一面。

生活还是没有头绪，为什么所有的初衷总是会被误解，我始终相信，解释只是多余。

人与人之间的翘翘板，为什么我仍然置身其中？不喜欢把自己设置在各种假设之中，其实当你了解一个人多一些，很多事也不能算是假设，而是求证，无聊的游戏，可是我们乐此不疲。

身边不少人都说我很成熟，是这样么？也许是因为我经常沉默，也许是因为我乐在当下。

且听风吟

What is this song in my mind?

“Suddenly something has happeded to me, as I was having my cup of tea.
Suddently I was feeling depressed, I was utterly and totally stressed.”

我欣赏那些穿梭自如的女子。

你要的是彼岸的花朵，盛开在不可触及的别处。

TO-DO (6/30-7/3)

*1. Reply to emails in a timely manner!
*2. Renew my car insurance.
*3. Re-register my car.

4. Post-Mortem – PreAMP 062808 Release
-- SSE Monitor issue
-- configuration change (instance.properties)
-- upcoming releases: 7/12 and 8/2
5. PreAMP Mischievous
-- CVS Branch/Merge/Tag
-- Wiki pages for upcoming releases
-- Devlive/Testlive code pushes
6. Aris KM Data Integration
-- Data Model
-- ODS and/or DW
-- Queries
-- Tracking Spreadsheet + Documentation
-- Q&A with Data Team
7. Python Ramp-Up
--cx_Oracle
--XML processing

*8. Go running!
*9. Devotions
*10. Check flight tickets to Shanghai.
*11. Confirm VPN connection from Shanghai.

近来

夏天，白天变长，我还是觉得时间不够用。最近生活很混乱，少了份气定神闲，做什么事都觉得仓促。

昨天晚上出去跑步，跑了3，4公里，想想觉得自己还蛮厉害的，以前在学校跑800米我都哭得出来。要自己坚持，突然发现已经很久没有停下来回头看走过的路了，只是感觉一个人跌跌撞撞走到现在很不容易，所以总是要自己乐观，不想给自己时间＇痛定思痛＇。

上周末去Nashiville TN玩，”They sat there and missed the flight.”，可见我现在生活多么messy。打了个盹醒来，发现M看书看得睡着了，我们都是缺乏睡眠的人，我借过她手里的＜彼岸花＞看，心情不好的时候，我会看安妮的小说，在纸上做了一些小抄，喜欢一边读书一边记录心情。

想了很多，一整天我都在不自觉地pray，也许我内心的平静被打破了，这让我感到很不安。

Smoky Mountains，开了很久的车，在当时的精神状态下，专心开车或专心走路都是很好的选择，去山顶看日落，好冷，但感觉很清醒很真实，是美好的记忆。

回到家收到洁的信，密密麻麻的文字，看了觉得心里潮湿，多久没有这种感觉了？我们是怎样就长大了呀？我一直问别人也问自己同样的问题，时间把我们都磨损了。

工作还是很忙，接二连三的projects，可是我也很依赖这种充实，能够专心做事，是我最好的状态，是我自己，让我觉得安全。

我还是需要多一点个人空间，也许是我一个人太久，变成一种习惯。一直以来我都在找一份单纯的感情，就两个人，简简单单，安安静静，午后坐在Starbucks透着落地窗眯缝着眼睛看太阳。

洁的信，好象把我放在身后的摆到我面前。

I want to live with integrity.

Pray, and take your time to seek your purpose. Listen to the divine voice that speaks from above and from within.

Walk your path with integrity. Hopefully at the end of the day you not only know yourself but also what you stand for.

26岁

早上坐地铁时，我在想自己到底有没有长大一些，成熟一点。我想是的，我看到自己的变化。

"I live in that solitude which is painful in youth, but delicious in the years of maturity."

表达能力越来越差，我大多数的思想，都扔到了文字中去。是否孤独，不在于你拥有多少热闹，而是你有没有"自我"。淡泊以明志，宁静以致远。得闲时，清茶一杯，好书一卷，不亦乐乎？

"Maturity of mind is the capacity to endure uncertainty."

4年时间，我是否做到了安之若素？从容淡定？

"Maturity begins to grow when you can sense your concern for others outweighing your concern for yourself."

有时单纯的付出会让生活变得简单，尽管別人的期望，经常是我们永远也到不了的地方，正所谓＂岂能事事如意，但求无愧于心＂。

"Maturity is knowing when to be immature."

不言而喻，但不要过犹不及。=)

Soul Meets Body

I want to live where soul meets body
And let the sun wrap its arms around me
And bathe my skin in water cool and cleansing
And feel, feel what its like to be new

Cause in my head there's a greyhound station
Where I send my thoughts to far off destinations
So they may have a chance of finding a place
where they're far more suited than here

I cannot guess what we'll discover
Between the dirt with our palms cut like shovels
But I know our filthy hand can wash one another's
And not one speck will remain

I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body
Where soul meets body

I do believe it's true
That there are roads left in both of our shoes
If the silence takes you
Then I hope it takes me too
So brown eyes I hold you near
Cause you're the only song I want to hear
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere
A melody softly soaring through my atmosphere

June

6月，我对自己加倍的宠爱。

Broadway
接下来的半年，应该会再看2-3场，想想都觉得幸福。

Summer
跑步，骑车，网球，我的最爱。

从2004年我22岁到现在，将近4年，一直不停向前走，太多的事，过去无法想象，现在我已经习惯了纽约的生活，回过头看，觉得很不可思议。也许生活想带给我们的多是惊喜，太过专注，常常变成强求，我也学会放开手，只是用心相信。

是如何长大，似乎无迹可寻。只是觉得自己变从容，变淡定了。走过25，变成现在的自己，我很快乐。

I'm taking a break.

最近睡得不好。人散得很，需要收收心。

发现自己开始注意把握人与人之间微妙的平衡点了。现在我更能设身处地，经常想到那句"We all have our cross to bear"，感同身受。

很多事我是明白的，我只是习惯性地保持沉默，有时需要很多信任，理解，默契才能达到和谐，以前我总是不懂得珍惜。

每天都发生很多事，而坚定的信仰，积极乐观的人生观，则应该成为生活中的常数。

S&tC

Sex and the City，看了这部电影，也该算是把S3到S6都补齐了。在我觉得自己的灵感快要枯竭的时候，这部电影还是给了我一些不同的感受。

这几天真的是神经衰弱，今天5点睁开眼，发现比前几天又早了1小时，无语，到6点意识还是非常清醒，于是给家里挂了电话，迷迷糊糊说了一通，被老妈骂了一顿，又被老爸安慰了一番，劝说之下，又去睡，半清醒，7点半爬起来，9点不到就进了公司。

工作虽然忙，也算是在自己掌握之内，并没有给我太大的压力。每天我们都会有一些心事，但身边也并没有发生什么大事，是我自寻烦恼。

突然发现自己很久没有好好看书了，是啊，我需要更多个人空间来给自己充电。

我需要完善自己的生活，一个立足点。

夏天到了

最近忙得头头转，其实也给自己亮了红灯，可简直就是一点控制力和自制力也没有。其实我也挺怀念每天睡８小时，一个人看两部电影的日子，冷清而自在，现在手脚并用，无方寸可言。

安妮宝贝说：容易伤害别人和自己的，是对距离的边缘模糊不清的人。我不知道自己算不算，一直以为自己不会自欺欺人。H说我变了，我知道他是在忽悠我，真正改变的，应该是我们不愿再提起的。现在我想，追根刨底也无法让我们看清真相。时间过去，所有的疑问，或者被揭晓，或者被遗忘，也许这样更好。

谁都没有把握，我们都只了解了一部分的事实。

But I guess time is up.

P.S. This is interesting.

「忽悠」？
v. play tricks on sb.
v. flicker
v. sweet-talk
v. wheedle

Sticking Point Analysis

Autobiography in Five Chapters

1) I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost...I am hopeless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

2) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I'm in the same place.
But it isn't my fault.
It still takes time to get out.

3) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I see it is there.
I still fall in...it's a habit
My eyes are open
I know where I am
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

4) I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I walk around it.

5) I walk down another street.

Memorial Weekend, Warwick Center, Hosanna Retreat

经常感觉自己不够淡定，快26了，可是我想要的知性，成熟，内敛，都还没有在自己身上看到。

这几个月我一直在想应该怎样拟定自己成长的方向，可面对种种选择，我总是会变懒，没有安全感也没有责任心，以为自己是勇敢的，可也经常逃避许多事。这3天很开心，只是不明白为什么对别人了解得多了，对自己反而越加捉摸不透了呢？

I need a vision.

行到水穷处，坐看云起时

想起王国维的“三境界”说：＂昨夜西风凋碧树，独上高楼，望尽天涯路＂，此第一境也。＂衣带渐宽终不悔，为伊消得人憔悴＂，此第二境也。 “众里寻他千百度，蓦然回首，那人却在，灯火阑珊处＂，此第三境也”。

望尽天涯路是立志时对未来的憧憬，斯人独憔悴是山穷水尽时的孤独和坚韧，正因为劳其筋骨，苦其心志，至动心忍性，不改初衷，才能在灯火阑珊处，坐看云起，闲对落花。

生活不会欺骗任何人，只是需要付出加倍努力，即使行到水穷处，也甘之若饴。

Floating Feather

“I don't know if we each have a destiny, or if we're all just floating around accidental-like on a breeze, but I, I think maybe it's both. Maybe both is happening at the same time.” --- Forrest Gump

Most people believe in one of two predominate philosophies about life:
1. Everything happens for a reason.
2. Things happen by chance; humanity is governed by free will.

Despite of the fact that I don't comprehend why many things happen and cannot see the reasons behind them, I know I’m leaning more towards predestination.

There are also times when life’s happenings make no sense, and times we find ourselves in horrible situations. And we cannot help ask, "Why me?" Been experienced all sorts of pain and suffering, we often struggle with thinking that there is a ‘perfect plan’.

However, I think Forrest Gump is on to something. As simple as his outlook on life may be, it is quite profound.

"Maybe both is happening at the same time."

So maybe it is both. God gave us the freedom to choose, but He did not leave us fully to our desires, instead He is there to direct, and to correct in ways we cannot possibly understand. Maybe it isn't for us to understand, we just have to do our best and trust that God will carry the rest.

It's time to go back to work.

嘿嘿，前段时间有些不自然，现在差不多理清楚了，修了头发，觉得清爽了许多。

工作又开始忙碌起来，据说夏天总是像打仗，不过我心里已经做好准备。哎，每次都是抓这根稻草，不过每次都很管用。

四川汶川地震，好难过。妈妈要我珍惜自己所有的，确实如此，我想我拥有的已经够多，不应该像个孩子一样总是要求更多。心情好的时候让身边的朋友也快乐。

接下来要做事情真的一大堆，慢慢来，认真地一件一件地来。

剪了头发

心情好多了。

她比烟花寂寞

昨晚做了一个奇怪的梦，我辞职，回到父母身边，找了一份乏味得让人麻木的工作。醒来的时候心里觉得恐惧，回过神以后，眼泪流下来。

突然感觉到自己的寂寞。这几天我写了很多字，一直以为把一切埋葬到文字中去，自己和自己便可以相安无事。我也花很多时间看安妮宝贝的书，看到心里绝望，然后就好了。为谁独行于天地间？无处安身。

忙碌的时候我觉得好多了，我又变成一个积极的人，烂掉的是心里的一小块。

幸福的人不远行

和C聊了以后我一直在想，让什么人陪伴在我身边，可以让我做最好的自己。一起成长的我们，是不是最终都会殊途同归，有种＇风景都看透＇的感觉。

又翻到了＜手心空洞＞：听到朋友安定幸福的口吻，突然觉得眼里有了温暖的眼泪。曾经少年时，我们都幻想过自己的生活，和未来的爱情。但是命运给我们的，是我们无法预知的安排。

在哪里才会觉得安全，我总是想到不同的地方旅行，认识新的面孔，充满阳光的问候。我说我觉得自己已经准备好了，但这种想要安定的感觉其实也给我很多不安，也许我最好的状态是一个人的时候，孤独让我觉得安全，我害怕自己总是要求别人无法给我的东西。

Photobooth 注

... and everything that I said was true, as the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.

这是Death Cab for Cutie的Photobooth里的词，那天心里有些微妙的起伏变化，正巧听到这首歌，所以借来用。

这么多年，我看到自己变得直接和决绝，可以彻底断绝和一个人的联系，没有丝毫留恋。我也渐渐发现，有时那是我能给对方的最好的东西。

而那些无法斩断的联系，重复的话题，甚至是相同的句子，自己都觉得面目可憎了，我害怕的是什么呢？为什么我不能做得彻底呢？

当我开始为挂历标注新的符号，我想我一直想要只是一个结果，也许是很简单的一句话，一些真实的东西，可是在他身上我无法得到。但是我不能再继续下去了，４年了，所有的事，都应该过去。

... and everything that I said was true, as the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.

A Time for Everything...

I always like Ecclesiastes’ a-time-for-everything: "... a time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to uproot the plant; a time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to tear down, and a time to build; a time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; a time to scatter stones, and a time to gather them; a time to embrace, and a time to be far from embraces; a time to seek, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; a time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to be silent, and a time to speak; a time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace..." God's way is always mysterious to me.

‘Always striving never arriving?’, it got stuck in my mind. In the middle of a life that's as complicated as everyone else's, I’m also struggling for balance, and inner peace. Each day I learn again and again to be faithful, strong, content, patient, courageous… and to live cheerfully.

‘We'll never get there, time is always ahead of us, urging us on faster, faster, but sometimes we take off our watches, sometimes we lie in the hammock, caught between the mesh of rope and the net of stars, suspended, running out of time.’ I’d love it. =)

Photobooth

... And everything that I said was true,
As the flashes blinded us in the photobooth.

累积

从周二开始最明显的感觉就是困，睡眠有量无质，可能是因为户外运动让人精神亢奋。

室内攀岩，符合我＇玩不能玩死＇的原则，要相信你的大脚指头，要相信你的partner。骑车现在是多么奢侈的事，用了我的Comp Day，借了别人$700+的车，哎，真想出口一辆Giant。

和我亲爱的'强强'联系上，让我难得炒了一番冷饭，下面是一封我想写给他的信，决定贴在这里，是为了也鼓励自己一下下。

亲爱的弟弟，

首先我忍不住要说，你给我的信的subject真是越来越简短，第一封是'亲爱的弟弟'，第二封是'弟弟'，最后一封是'(no subject)'…让我乐了一下。 =) 以后你想不出题目，就用你写信的日期，这是我到美国以后养成的习惯。

现在你是大人了，但我还是'小姐姐'，总忍不住把你当小孩子看。想想这也理所当然，21岁时的我已然觉得自己历经沧桑，可是现在回头看，觉得当时很孩子气，所以3年5年，还是会有很多不一样的感受。

你说羡慕我'是一个知道怎么样就能做的人'，其实我也经常觉得迷茫，心里空空如也，看不清楚方向，也许我是碰巧走了自己该走的路，也可能是我学会了随遇而安享受生活，不能确定。其实我现在很少给自己定目标了，只是做该做的事，做自己，很自然，很舒服。

信仰的问题，三言两语无法概括，现在我只想说，很多事，为什么会发生，要过很久才能明白。人生是一个累积的过程，我们都不要否定过去。走过的每一步都会有或深或浅的印迹，觉得痛苦的，有时也会给我们很多灵感，能够帮助我们看清自己。

我相信每件事的发生都是有原因，不仅是因为过去，也是为了将来。希望你有信心，有耐心，做好自己，认真生活。

小姐姐

Extrovert vs. Introvert

很多感觉我现在已经不知道应该如何表达了。

有时心里太满太乱，很想找人帮忙理出头绪，于是自制力变得很差，什么谨言慎行，通通抛之脑后；有时想保留一些东西，却发现自己被一览无疑，会感觉不安。

64％外向型。

即便是快乐的...

每天都发生很多事，很难集中思想，文字也就不成章。

做好自己，是最重要的。

只是经常分心，想讨好，一些看不清楚的幸福，自己也不能确定的时候，已经开始追逐了，闲暇让我觉得不安，总是要背负一些东西，才感觉安全。

静下心的时候，事倍功半。

经常想到那个＇黯淡＇的我，一直提醒自己，但是有些东西的缺失，常常让我觉得力不从心。

至少一直在成长。

A Broken Piece

昨天下班后去Ronald McDonald House做义工，他们给来纽约看病的癌症小孩及其家人提供免费的暂时居所。

原来小孩子也会在微笑中加藏落寞，他们真的好可爱，有时却安静得让人觉得心里疼痛，Alex脚踝处钓针后贴上的卡通邦迪，Marisa胸口纱布上淡淡的印迹，Philip半边扭曲的脸......无法表达自己的感受。教他们折纸，用手涂鸦，心里累积的许多事也不觉释然。

这是我一直想做的事，终于有了一个开始，很开心。

有时心里疲倦

I.N.T.J

时隔几年，再次做了MBTI性格测试，感觉问题很难回答。每一项都是弱弱地胜出，最后结果是 I.N.T.J.。看各项分析的时候，感觉出了这几年自己身上的变化。

精力支配：外向 E — 内向 I
现在遇到很多事，常常想到的是：只有沉默才能坚强。

认识世界：实感 S — 直觉 N
感觉自己还是＇钝＇了很多，也许是变懒惰了，经常对似是而非的东西感到厌倦。

判断事物：思维 T — 情感 F
略略看到自己的足迹变深，经常停顿，预演自己的言行。

生活态度：判断 J — 知觉 P
尽管现在面对选择常常模棱两可，但心里清楚，自己很主观很固执。

周末 两三事

'I Haven't Found What I'm Looking For...' 乐队和演讲都很精彩，'Always Striving Never Arriving'？很贴切，'Stuck in a Moment You Can't Get out of'？可以听听U2的歌。

周六在家懒懒的，学会放别人鸽子了，Luz还是去了，拉丁馆子，美食总是让人心情愉快。

Chinatown的Dim Sum真便宜。

Enchanted，想想Disney的fairytale放到纽约应该挺无聊的，确实如此，但16个人挤在一起，略带嘲讽些许恼人的不真实会变得有趣一些。

周末变得忙碌起来。

最近的一些感想

初出茅芦的小P孩们

85后的出道了，感觉他们还小，礼拜三的时候给一些小P孩做knowledge transfer，感觉自己的energy level和他们相差甚远，小P孩们真的很可爱，很养眼。

忙得上瘾

工作以来最忙的一周，老板放假，事情多杂碎，如同一场不知命题的全能测试，很累，但受益匪浅，这种拼命付出和索取的感觉让人觉得有些上瘾。

边缘人

我常自觉言行不得要领反显笨拙。在任何一种文化氛围里我都是一个边缘人，但自我矛盾究竟是我的个人问题还是一种通病？

过目就忘

Bear Stearns以$2被JPMorgan Chase收购。Goldman Sachs收入大跌53％，股票却反弹，＇比预料的跌得少＇。Obama草根背景，却善于掌握定位 ，演讲言简意赅、激情四射；Hillary擅于辩论，却给人刻薄之感，缺少内在人格魅力。

在开发部，9点半到算早，我习惯花半小时上nytimes或cnn。太混乱，从抽象的政治经济，到具体的娱乐八挂，都让人觉得很失望。

想到周杰伦的＜世界末日＞：无所谓，反正难过就敷衍走一回 ，但愿绝望和无奈远走高飞。

风筝的线

父母的爱，常常让我陷入沉默，是对自己很多选择的不确定，也是逃避。

他们生活得简单平淡，人生的印迹清晰坚定，而我却很容易对身边的人和事失去耐心，无缘由地自卑或自负，有时觉得不安，就想离开一个地方。

他们不想给我任何负担，希望我选择自己喜欢的生活。有时我更希望他们只是要我回去他们身边，我害怕一旦失去了这一线联系，自己便会一直漂泊下去。

新元素

We must walk consciously only part way toward our goal and then leap in the dark to our success.

我相信，所有的努力，坚持，最后都要有那决绝的纵身一跃，是不被掌握的。

把半个生日蛋糕仍到J脸上，感觉刺激，短路，眼前空白，被狠狠报复。

学会为自己辩护，学会投诉，因为这些是必要的。

生活中的新元素：清单，底稿，备份。

It all ends somehow.

习惯人生起伏了么？

觉得不顺利的时候我会变懒，给自己放假。一个月了，安静的时候花更多的时间看别的人别的事，喜欢这种慢慢堆积灵感的过程。不安的情绪消退了，因为内在冷静的自我肯定。

变得更有耐心了，'It all ends somehow.' 现在我又要出发了。

Be Faithful.
Be Patient.
Be Content.

There is love, everything else is superficial.

习惯了以前觉得面目可憎的颜面以后，我告诉自己这是为了不让别人和自己为难，是高尚，成熟的表现。

Our God has given us freewill. And with that freewill comes the burden of choice. It is time, far past time that you took up that burden, because until you do, you cannot go on.

空谷幽兰

回国的安排终于可以搬上日程。

共事的项目经理之一被炒了，原本以为是他自己辞职的，后来老板告诉我他的评估结果一直不理想，对此我很后知后觉。

经常觉得不安，我要自己坚强，常常还是觉得力不从心,有时会失去信心。也许我一直在做的就是把自己分割为二，一部分去妥协，一部分去逃遁，自然一直处与自我肯定和自我否定的矛盾之中。

Prayer of the Day

Help me to let go my past so that I can move into all You have for me. I know you made all things new. Renew my mind and soul so that I don't allow past experiences to color my life today. Show me who I need to forgive, and help me forgive them completely. Heal me of all the painful memories in my life so that I can become all You created me to me.

不能不自由

这几天胃口和心情都好起来。

记得没有吃止疼药的那天晚上，做梦都是关于头痛。还记得那个梦是说，只要一想起‘我’这个字，头就要炸了。现在想想挺有趣，也许这是给自己的一点暗示吧。

在这个以个人主义为主题的环境里呆久了，累积了过多的自我意识，一切以‘我’为中心，这其实也是我从小的弊病。

现在不知道自己到底是跨过了这条线，还是根本对它视而不见。在习惯了做什么事都可以以自己一个人为基本单位时，‘自由’看起来也带了一些寂寞的色彩。

却不能不自由。

两三事

看到这样一段话：

'水一旦流深，就会发不出声音。人的感情一旦深厚，也就会显得淡薄。'

交朋友变得既简单又难。热热闹闹喝酒吃饭，看球玩Wii，很干脆，不拖泥带水。随着年岁的叠加，累计的是'涵养'，不会再让别人和自己下不来台，'不恭维也不诋毁'，很好的原则。

同一篇文章：

'在习惯一次性消费的时代，人的感情是否也能坚韧到足够支撑多次的短暂消费。醉笑陪君三千场，不诉离伤。人与人之间的这份郑重而留恋的对待，也许已经是奢侈的事，但值得追寻。'

习惯了漫长的财富累计和奢侈的短暂消费，也许是潜意识里的模式。

对抗流感几个月，终于不敌，难怪别人都说郁结会使身体分泌毒素，即使不然，也足以证明压力挫伤免疫力。

认识很多人，都是一个人在对抗自身以外的世界，正是越挫越勇。聊起来，总是谈笑风生，一切都显得云淡风清。自己体会多了，也就不想依赖任何人，自然变成乐天派，对别人对自己都宽容。

Moby - Love Should

一月

趁着NY Restaurant Week，试了Terrace in the Sky，法国餐馆是浪漫的，只是有些拥挤，加上女孩子凑在一起的热闹，美味是有的，情调只能抛之脑后。

从Broadway到Amsterdam Ave，穿过哥伦比亚大学的夜校园，身边都是穿着休闲背双肩包的学生，我显得很不搭调。其实挺怀念学生生活，但走过的路，不想再走一遍。

上海下好的的雪，纽约也很冷。

The Thorn Birds

There is a legend about a bird which sings just once in its life, more sweetly than any other creature on the face of the earth. From the moment it leaves the nest it searches for a thorn tree, and does not rest until it has found one. Then, singing among the savage branches, it impales itself upon the longest, sharpest spine. And, dying, it rises above its own agony to out-carol the lark and the nightingale. One superlative song, existence the price. But the whole world stills to listen, and God in His heaven smiles. For the best is only bought at the price of great pain... or so says the legend...

MoMA - Sense and Sensibility

总是需要新的生活灵感。

忍不住在这里帖了一幅印象深刻的作品 - Henri Matisse's The Piano Lesson

The little boy playing the piano is Matisse's son Pierre. The woman who might be his teacher, apparently watching him from behind, is actually a figure in a painting, Matisse's Woman on a High Stool. Similarly the sensually posed nude at bottom left would be an unlikely class auditor were not this another artwork in Matisse's living room, his own bronze Decorative Figure.

Piano Lesson treats two unlike spaces—a view through a window into air and the flat and tangible canvas of Woman on a High Stool—as if they were quite equivalent. Matisse is addressing issues both formal and philosophical. In describing the playing of music he also takes art-making as his subject, and the filigree bar of curves supplied by the music stand and balcony ironwork—a lovely touch amid the painting's interlocking triangles and rectangles—might almost be a visual version of music's curling notes.

Those flat planes of muted color create a system of geometric compartments that link the painting to Cubism, whose radical inventions Matisse had observed over the preceding few years without ever committing himself to the style. Works like this one show him examining Cubist ideas about pictorial structure while also producing an image utterly personal to him.

想象下面两幅一左一右，合成一面整体，我做在大厅正中的沙发上看了很久。

忙碌之中

受益匪浅。

The Devil Wears Prada

生活中最重要的部分是我退而求其次的选择么?

看到姐姐结婚的照片，看到爸爸妈妈，3年半的时间，我们的身上都多了陌生的痕迹。

想到他，到最后总会离开我最爱的，也或许一直只是别人离我而去。

One Weekend in Beantown

非常喜欢Boston，是一个我会想住上一年半载的城市。

在书香浓郁的校园漫步，看到路边小店铺里冒着热气的咖啡和看书的学生，点一份Lobster Bisque，沿着Memorial Dr.一直走，是一种享受。

还是搞不清楚自己到底是被生活推着向前走，还是我一直不肯停下来，也许都有。

过去的问题现在还是问题，新的烦恼惟恐来得不够及时，生活本身没有变简单，简单是一种心情。

收藏

想要收藏一些东西，所以拼凑文字。有些东西是骨子里的，也许是一个人的命运，就像我看自己的文字，即使是快乐的，感受到的也是寂寞。

...『聪明的女子值得同情。』...『容易伤害别人和自己的，是对距离的边缘模糊不清的人。』...

有时不想见任何人说任何话...『沉默的状态能让我感觉到呼吸的自由和自己原来就处于的本色位置。』...感觉『自己的世界是寂静无声的，容纳不下别人。』...其实『当一个女子在看天空的时候，她并不想寻找什么。她只是寂寞。』...那么『我会惧怕孤独吗？我只是偶尔会感觉寂寞。』...

『在长时间的彼此伤害和逃避以后，所有的意图和结局已经模糊不清。』...『那些离别和失望的伤痛，已经发不出声音来了。』...『任何人都一直在伤害着或被伤害着，谁又可以抱怨谁？』...『感情有时候只是一个人的事情。和任何人无关。爱，或者不爱，只能自行了断。』...太单纯的东西容易破碎，但我『相信世界的某处有一个人，一直等在那里。只是不知道会何时何地出现。总是快乐而孤独的等着他。也许这样就可以过了一生。』

『会过去的，都会过去的。我们的痛苦，我们的悲伤，我们的负罪。』...『再次听到他的声音。转过身去。发现后面空无一人。』